If I go to the cops, he is going to kill me and Jeffie. They can’t protect me. They pretty much told me that.’ I nodded because I understood. Those restraining orders get the guy a few more years after he puts her in the ground. Cops and the law just can’t convict on what is gonna happen, they need to see it happen. I couldn’t think of anything to say so I didn’t say anything. ‘So there is no one who can help you? Father or brother?’ I asked. ‘No one,’ she replied. ‘I have talked to the pastor of my church but he can’t do anything. He just says to pray. Look I’m sorry I don’t unload on total strangers. I have no idea why I did it this time. Maybe because I found him in my house waiting for Jeff yesterday. He has started to come and go as he pleases just like he still lived there. I am so upset maybe that is why.’ ‘Well there is nothing I can do but I am glad if it helped you a little to talk about it.’ I said it while looking out the window. I know she thought I wasn’t interested.. You remember. ‘After a time, grieving becomes self-pity.’ You aren’t feeling sorry for the person who died. They no longer feel anything. ‘You’re feeling sorry for yourself, that’s all.’ Brave words, even if they are true. Well, almost all true. Memories of how much the person suffered. Memories not yet been buried. Regret for their lost years, for the life they might have had. Opportunities to love and be loved. There’s reason enough to feel sorry for the one who has died. But mostly it’s self-pity. Right? Right? Right. What I need is food. Can’t live on coffee and whiskey. Did I say ‘live’? Shit, Dave. Get a grip. Have another cigarette. Peg’s only vice. She gave up dozens of times but kept coming back to it. Her dependence was more psychological than physical. Growing up we smoked because cigarettes were cheap and smoking was the socially acceptable thing to do. Even expected. A real ice-breaker when making or greeting friends. ‘How are you Bob? I’d like you to meet Rachel. Like a.
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